i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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