her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
