I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
