the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
