and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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