I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
