did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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