The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Be still, my beating vagina.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
