wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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