I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
