if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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