the condom got lost in my hair
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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