I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
