I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
