i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
