ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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