John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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