Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize