Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
