He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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