Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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