i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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