I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
