Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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