Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
