In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
