Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
