I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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