I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
