So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
