I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
