My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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