I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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