I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
