I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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