Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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