I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
