I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
