In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
