i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
