Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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