1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
