Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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