And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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