I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
