in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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