My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
