Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
