I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I need water and some morals
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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