Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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