well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize