pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
