Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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