My vagina just recognized that song.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
