yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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