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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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