You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
