then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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