So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
