...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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