Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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