The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
