Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
