speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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