"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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