John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
